Monday, March 12, 2007

broken families, no matter what anyone does, always feel broken

how long does it take to forget? what does it take to finally be able to say we've moved on? i see your message on the screen, bridging the seas and vast tracts of land separating us. and even through the distance, i feel my body tense with uncertainty. what do i say? how do i convince myself that i feel hardly anything at this possibility of contact? i cringe at the thought that you are real. i shudder at the realization that it was only i who denied your existence.

but what would you have me do? i am torn. i am broken. i am lost and you have been shattered. shattered into the tiniest fragments that memory has allowed. shattered and scattered across time, across space that i will not occupy. i've forgotten you. i don't remember how it felt to have once been complete. i plead for the mercy of forgetting you. i beg for reprieve from a litany of words threatening to make me long for what has long been dead. when will you let me go? when will you allow me to forget you?

it has been too long and yet you've brought it all back with just one word.



missing you, i wonder how you look now,
wonder if you still do that little habit with your fingers

i remember you as if it was only yesterday
and realize it is only in yesterday that i have the courage to remember.



5 comments:

anonymous moose said...

I don't know what to say...

I just hope you're okay.

Uy, rhyme yun ah! ^__^

Rax said...

"when will u let me go? When will you allow me to forget you."

that really is a question that is better directed at a mirror. (given my assumptions are correct) ahhh, choices. Funny thing about free will is that it is one's own self that gives the permission for others to give you pain. You claim that the other imposes his/her presence on you. But it is you who allows it. (again I'm just being presumptuous)

The sounds of pain. But I can tell you this: one day, when you have chosen to let go, you will look back at "yesterday" and remember with a smile. For it shows, even to a stranger, that the memories and impressions (though past) have left a clear and maybe even beautiful mark, on your soul.

Cocaine Jesus said...

this also happens when children grow up and move away. the family that was suddenly isn't any more as a new family springs up somewhere else.
undeniably sad as is this post.

love.
x

Kain Sicilian said...

Though my situation is not exactly the same as yours, but I shudder even at trying to remember. Reading your poem reminds me that there's such a person, sealed at the back of my mind, and I know the existence of this memory well, too well, but never had the courage to look back lest i break into pieces...

cargwaps said...

anonymous moose,

kumusta ka na? thank you for the comment. i'm okay. i'm great. i'm up and about and i only have five words in my mind right now: "di ka pa ba magpapakilala?" haha.

rax,

a mirror indeed. thank you. will do boss. ;) *stalks off in search of reflective surface*

cj,

i never thought of it that way, children leaving home i mean. hmm..you've given me something to think about. (but then again, that's something your words always do to me.)

thank you for commenting! *hugs*

kain,

thank you for sharing that with me. maybe someday you and i will be able to look back. maybe we won't. i don't know. but i think our being able to admit that we can't right now is a step towards the right direction.