Wednesday, April 30, 2008

a box

a box holds my heart
whether it was of brown paper or gold lining seems
a box holds my heart

a box holds my heart
and it is that which is carried
by hands always different in the manner of handling

my heart hides
but it is not given defense against
stealing in through hinges and crevices crafted by clever men

my heart hides
but it can not stave of the hungry
of an empty bed or an open door that once knew life in a different form

a box holds my heart
in the hopes that love would cease to
in the guise of friendly tones and a caress of misled beginnings

Friday, April 25, 2008


it begins with a candle - lit and spiraling down into nonbeing
banking on the promise of rebirth upon the next schedule of creation
when the universe will move slowly and imperceptibly
to reposition itself for the reincarnation of a single essence

the candle is lit and a prayer is said
the focal point of motion has been chosen - it is man
man revolves and the spin is attributed to the earth
the true center is irrelevant, the standards have been set

the wick burns and the candle descends
the ritual has peaked and the spirit has long expired
it is anticipated - rebirth, recreation, reincarnation
but first the candle must allow itself to burn

Thursday, April 24, 2008

shedding skin

a laugh and then perhaps something else
it takes a while before something else can truly be felt
after you, it took a while

i stand but maybe later there will be no more
sometimes time is all it takes before realization creeps in
there are no more corners to sink down into

we laugh and i stand -- rigid: both our actions
it will only come in the morning, the acceptance, hindsight
of both our backs turned, receding

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

the theme of life is really departure

It's strange how everything always seems to be disappearing just when you had finally gotten the hang of things, of people. In high school, I couldn't wait for everything to be over. I wanted it to end. I loved the people around me and the routine I'd fallen into but I knew I was over it. There was a point when I just got over all of it.

Why is it so different now? It took me five years to finish a four year course not out of the inability to accomplish the academic requirements but because of an incapacity, on my part, to want to accomplish them. I was too busy doing other things. I traded one group of friends for another and then another. I wanted to experience everything, so I did. Not attending classes for two months, feigned illnesses at the infirmiry, failing miserably, finding things I was never supposed to be good at, falling in love with people I would never have met if I had lived college life otherwise.

It's crazy. Life is crazy. Just when you get the hang of people, they leave. Just when people get the hang of me, I need to leave as well. Nothing is permanent. But sometimes you can love people so much that you do your best to make them stay on despite the fact that there's barely anything there to keep you together. Barely.

Monday, April 21, 2008

continued thought

You are distant now
and I've let go of hope - of the hope of ever touching you
- of even the hope of just seeing you and knowing,
(knowing that it is you)

You're a dream
life with you is something I create in my loneliness
a child I've given birth to in the guilty secrets of my mind
a sacred rite I submit to within the sullied remains of my heart

It is so strong
Love. Or need. Or what this longing is called outside of my dreams.
It persists across the distance.
It persists across the impossibility of being with you.

*for those who have no chance of understanding the words of the previous post*
*mostly for those who drop by blogspot*


sa mga panaginip ko, hinahanap mo ako

sa paggising ko, nararamdaman kong hinahanap din kita
ako na ang naghahanap sa iyo

lagi tayong naghahanapan, tayong dalawa

nasanay na tuloy ako sa ganito

baka pag nakita na kita, hindi ko na matandaan
kung paano huminto
kung paano itigil ang pagtatago at paghahanap

dahil malungkot ang kwentong 'to
malungkot at masakit

wala lang. words just come sometimes and they don't necessarily mean anything. sometimes i just write them down to remind myself that thoughts like these one entered my consciousness.