Sunday, March 05, 2006

In a world of eight billion people, it is unforgivable that so many feel so alone.

I like to think that I haven’t been posting because I’ve been to busy. I’ve been too busy with school. I’ve been to busy with joining rallies. I’ve been to busy with friends. I’ve been too busy with life in general. But right here, in the core of everything that drives me, I know that I’ve been lying to myself.

I can’t post. I can’t write. I’m not strong enough to be alone will that my heart has dammed up inside it.
At night, I find I can no longer sleep. I dread the time just before slumber overtakes me. Because it is then that I am overcome by the emotions I tried so hard to fend off. I am defenceless. I am weak. And I let loose a rain of tears that do not console. I allow the sobbing to wrack my body knowing it will ease nothing.

What is there for me to look forward to when everything I have ever believed to be important is failing me? They will never make-up. Nothing will heal the scars that they have inflicted upon each other. My family will never again be whole. And you, the last beacon of hope, have grown distant. It won’t be long before you tell me the true reason for your indifference. It won’t be long before I tell you that I have known all along.

One by one, they will move on to what joys they have already seen in the horizon. And I will be left here, nursing the wounds that all of them have, without shame or hesitation, given me. I will be left here drowning in the noise I will create for myself. I will be left here, dreading the solitude that will come and the anguish that is its partner.

“‘Til the wheels fall off”, remember we copied that off that lousy movie? What now when the wheels have all gone off?

7 comments:

kapayapaan said...

*hugs*

everyone feels lonely sometimes...

*hugs tighter*

Cocaine Jesus said...

hey you, chin up. you are a good person and one worthy of better times. they will come.
x

Anonymous said...

I know I use that excuse of being "busy" with "things" when I'm really not. I've been using that excuse for a couple of weeks now because I can't seem to find the drive to write-- actually it's not that I can't find it but that there's more things I waste my time contemplating on that I don't see a duty to write.

uNdeRneAth said...

aaaaaaaaw... *hugs* i'm here, sweetie. you'll be ok, promise. ^_^ if ever you need me, you know where to go. ^_^

Inkblot said...

thats how we are meant to be if we choose to? We choose.

Nicely written

cargwaps said...

laya,
thanks. first time mo magcomment ah? touched naman ako. yeah. i guess everyone does feel lonely sometimes. and having friends like you helped me through those lonely times. (kahit na madalas e di niyo alam na sobrang natulungan niyo na ako)thank you! ^____^

cj,
such a sweet comment. *sniff* you made my day. ^__^ thank you thank you thank you!

anonymous,
i hope you find the passion to write again. And i hope you find it soon. maybe you'd give me the honor of being able to read your upcoming masterpieces? perhaps by revealing your identity the next time around? ;)

underneath,
what would i do without you guys? *hugs and lots (and lots and lots and lots and lots) of love*

inkblot,
thank you for visiting! i agree that we have a choice in everything that affects us. i suppose i chose to feel this way. on the most part because there is nothing left of what i treasured with those relationships except this. i hope you'll all forgive the melodramatic overtones i set on my, perhaps, final tribute to a beautiful story that wasn't supposed to end.

Tita Tetel said...

Maricar,

I love the way you write. You are not alone. God is always there and no matter what we are here always loving all of you.

We all love you,
Tita Tetel