I like to think that I haven’t been posting because I’ve been to busy. I’ve been too busy with school. I’ve been to busy with joining rallies. I’ve been to busy with friends. I’ve been too busy with life in general. But right here, in the core of everything that drives me, I know that I’ve been lying to myself.
I can’t post. I can’t write. I’m not strong enough to be alone will that my heart has dammed up inside it.
At night, I find I can no longer sleep. I dread the time just before slumber overtakes me. Because it is then that I am overcome by the emotions I tried so hard to fend off. I am defenceless. I am weak. And I let loose a rain of tears that do not console. I allow the sobbing to wrack my body knowing it will ease nothing.
What is there for me to look forward to when everything I have ever believed to be important is failing me? They will never make-up. Nothing will heal the scars that they have inflicted upon each other. My family will never again be whole. And you, the last beacon of hope, have grown distant. It won’t be long before you tell me the true reason for your indifference. It won’t be long before I tell you that I have known all along.
One by one, they will move on to what joys they have already seen in the horizon. And I will be left here, nursing the wounds that all of them have, without shame or hesitation, given me. I will be left here drowning in the noise I will create for myself. I will be left here, dreading the solitude that will come and the anguish that is its partner.
“‘Til the wheels fall off”, remember we copied that off that lousy movie? What now when the wheels have all gone off?