staring the sun down
tell the truth all of the time but it is not necessary to tell all of it at that one time.
she steps out and immediately shades her eyes against the glaring sun. terrific day for a walk, she muses, if you don't buy into skin cancer and all of that. she takes the first tentative step onto the sidewalk and more purposefully takes the next. yes, it was most decidedly a terrific day for a walk.
the shade offered by the leaves of aged trees beside the path helped to diffuse the otherwise biting heat. it would be a leisurely walk, she had decided before venturing out, the type of walk that left you with too many thoughts and too little resolutions. it would be the type of walk necessary after the heaviness of an unexpected memory.
***
it was nothing simple when it started. and when, exactly, any of it started was unclear even to her.
"do you enjoy it that melancholy?", indicating the disc she was sampling
"excuse me?", she had feigned surprise while removing the headset.
"Sara Bareilles."
"i'm sorry but did you want to use the set?", it was better not to show interest, she figured.
"i only really know one song of hers. and it's quite melancholy," a half-smile kept playing on his lips, "i'm sorry but i was watching you and was wondering, would you like to grab something to eat with me?"
the invitation to grab something to eat turned to dinner and extended to a few drinks in a quiet bar afterwards. she was rarely so impulsive but on a day when you're listening to Sara Bareilles in a music store, you might just be in the mood to be swept off your feet.
from the start he told her he liked her. after dinner it was clear he wasn't the type of guy who often approached women in music stores. after drinks she showed him the ring. it was never simple, even at the start.
he was blase about everything. he would dismiss her protests with a topic change or a sly remark about something she had done. he loved to play the game that way - a game she found fascinating at the beginning and impossible to leave at the end. they fell in love, others would say - they, of course, would never name it with a word so worldly. they fell in love and neither of them would admit it. why end the game? why not just keep playing until the end comes and declares the winner?
***
i was not waiting for you, there at that music store. i was waiting for love. i was waiting for love to return to me. i wanted it to arrive in the same way i welcomed it the last time. i waited for love to come in the form of the man i promised to marry. but it was you who spoke. i was waiting for love. and it was you who came.
***
she walked back into the comforts of her room. the sweat made her shirt cling close to her back. somehow, the walk was not as good a cathartic as she thought it would be. she closes her eyes and draws in a deep breath. the creases between her brow smoothen as she reaches towards the player and presses play.
"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here til the moment I'm gone..."
she doesn't open her eyes. it is better to keep them closed at this moment. the memory of a face is so much more vivid without the colors of reality.
"...Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity..."
he left before the end came. she was married before the game could be declared over.
"...Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down..."
perhaps, she thinks now, i'm the one who lost.
